From Personal Experiences
Ava was 4-years-old and Audrey was 2 1/2 when Owen was born. We had to sit Ava and Audrey on the couch and tell them that Owen had passed away. The first thing out of Ava’s mouth was, “but I never got to meet him!” Even at two and a half, Audrey was putting it together her little brother would never come home. There is no word that could say how horrible those moments were.
This is what we have learned in the past two years.
A few suggestions to help siblings grieve:
Talk as Much as They Need
Of course everything must be age appropriate when you are sharing anything with kids, but don’t be afraid to talk to them like adults. It helped them be able to process things more quickly.
Let Them Talk
Whenever your children bring up their sibling, let them. Some of the most positive things related to Owen have come from the girls themselves. Hearing them talk about how they are feeling lets you know how much they understand.
Use terms relating to your beliefs.
Our girls were familiar with the term Heaven, so using it was already common to them. If you call it ‘a better place’ they will wonder why here with them isn’t a ‘better place’. It was good for them to think about him in a place where he was safe and happy.
Show them pictures
Kids need to see, feel, touch things to make them more real to them. Since Owen’s pictures show how sick he was, it helped them understand why he didn’t come home to us. If he would have been stillborn, where he would have appeared perfect, seeing his little face would help them always have an image in their minds as they thought of him.
Celebrate their Sibling
My dad had the wonderful idea right to have a party for Owen. I asked if they would like to let the hospital balloons go and ‘give’ them to Owen. So they each said something to Owen as they let their balloons go. This helped our family, and there are many ideas you can find on the internet.
Give them Something Tangible to Hold
We took them to build-a-bear where they each chose an outfit they liked for their brother. Not only did these bears help them think of Owen in a positive way, they also gave them something physical to have in their hands.
Having Fear is Okay
After Owen died I was so scared that Ava and Audrey would die too. I was scared to let them to anything. From what I have read, this is a normal feeling. It will lessen as time goes on, so just focus on loving them, not on the fear.
Don’t feel Guilty if you Feel Joy Again
I remember the first time I didn’t cry the whole day. I felt like I was losing Owen. Please know you are in a position where you can be broken and feel joy at the same time. And it’s ok. When you have a good day, enjoy it. It is those light days that give us the strength to get through the dark ones.
Don’t be Afraid to Cry
I don’t know how some parents think it is possible to not cry in front of their kids; to see me cry made them understand why mom was acting different. Your child will be able to handle seeing you broken. It might even be in those low moments you get a little joy through their eyes.
Books
A Corner of Heaven
Something Happened
No New Baby
We were gonna have a baby, but we had an angel instead./h3>
Sun Kisses, Moon Hugs
The Invisible String
The Memory Box
